14.5. 2020
Today I was asked what my favourite piece is, actually no, I was asked which piece I would like to compose - Poll - "I wish I had written this one!".
I immediately thought of Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata. I'm playing the first movement of it by Wilhelm Kempff mvt 1.
Every time he starts playing I notice. It's like a mirror to my soul. Listening to the first part of it, my soul starts to clean itself. All the regrets float to the surface. All my fears and hardships are exposed to my closed eyes. I feel the weight of all humanity from that song. How fragile we are, the endless old personal wars and the quantity of inner monologues.
I am always reminded of Andrei Tarkovsky's statement during this piece that we do not live to be happy, but, to wage a battle of good versus evil within each of us. To grow mentally and to be prepared for death. Death does not exist, there is only the fear of death and physical hardship. Whenever I am well and very worried, I think of you Lukaš (Lukas is battling brain cancer, he's been a good friend of mine since childhood) and realize that I am the happiest person in the world. :(
Art, among other things, asks why we exist. It is meant to show us something that we cannot see or see with our own eyes. Music is perfect for this. It only lets us go where we can go on our own. As far as our experience leads. Our emotional pain threshold. We are born with its scale, it is not transferable and cannot be inherited in my opinion.
I'm getting pretty anxious in that Corona. We're remodeling the kitchen out of boredom. Of course it doesn't take the scheduled 2 days. I vowed never to do any more remodeling. I broke it again. Thank goodness we were able to go to my parent's house for a few days and don't have to live in that mess we made for ourselves.
A few days off from recording and practicing.
I'm getting quite inwardly nervous about the whole thing, the Scandinavian-type prison, you do what you want, but not quite. You're in isolation. I can't play gigs or plan any gigs. Maybe that's somehow how artists felt in the old days... ? You practice your instrument, you record, but you're not allowed to play (they weren't even allowed to record). I often listen to Shostakovich quartets.
Every day the internet is full of self selected saviors of music and culture. They negotiate for us with the minister and want to help us... It also reminds me of times gone by. Who actually selects these saviors? Seems like something out of Orwell.
The workers have plenty of work to do, even one of them tells me to get a proper job... The worst thing is that I'm secretly wondering if I could learn to put trowels on the facades of houses, if my music is worth sacrificing the rest of my life for... For me, yes, the journey is the destination. I've talked to Pat Mastelotto a few times about this very subject.
You've got to work hard, educate yourself, have an outlook, and forget all that when you're creating. Be easy going. Don't be afraid to be alone. Everything will come when you work hard. Don't take yourself seriously and expect nothing from it. Trust your intuition in music, it will tell you the most. Find your expression, work every day and know how to give with love.
I don't know if that's how, for example, bathroom tiles talk to each other.
But today your likes and views publicly and immediately proportion all the values of your artistic work. And these, for example, a tile setter will show you on the cracked screen of his mobile phone and tell you exactly what you have to do to please people. It's all in that mobile phone.
I don't want people to like me or my music! I want to please myself. Myself when I see myself in my inner mirror.
David